Dawkins to Convert to Catholicism?!

In what is being branded one of the greatest u-turns of all time, Richard Dawkins has announced he’s to become a Catholic.

The shock announcement comes following the emergence of recent evidence disproving the theory of evolution. On Tuesday, Professor Sherzer of the University of Lügen announced that his team of archaeologists had discovered fossils of a primitive  rabbit species in Australia. Carbon dating of the fossils suggests that they come from a period of time known as the  precambrian, making them much older than other complex organisms. The 550 million year-old prehistoric rabbit, which is sabre-toothed, has been given the name Oryctolagus haldanae by scientists.

In light of this new evidence, swathes of scientists are turning away from the theory of evolution. One scientist from Imperial College, who wished to remain unnamed said: “This discovery has really made a monkey out of all of the people who said they believe in evolution.” In light of the find, Dawkins himself was quick to point out: “We said all along, it’s just a theory. Previously, on the balance of evidence, the rational position to take was to believe in evolution. But now, in light of this amazing new find, the only logical conclusion is that evolution is false and there must, therefore,  have been a supernatural creator.”

550 million year old prehistoric rabbit, Oryctolagus haldanae

 

This stunning find comes against a backdrop of mounting evidence against evolutionary theory. An international team of researchers recently published work in the journal Insipiens which showed life cannot spontaneously evolve. The team took a nutrient substrate, complete with all of the ingredients for life, and carried out tests to see if life could spontaneously evolve. Lead researcher, Prof Scwachsinn explained: “Basically we took a peanut butter-like substrate and repeated the experiment over one billion times over the period of a year. Yet we found no evidence that life can spontaneously evolve.” A summary of this scientifically-sound experiment can be found here.

So, why is it Catholocism specifically that Dawkins has decided to turn to in light of these new scientific discoveries. Dawkins justified his choice, saying: “There’s actually a lot of misconceptions flying around about the Catholic church. You might think they’re a bunch of homophobic, misogynistic, superstitious fools, stuck in the dark ages, but you’d definitely be wrong.” Dawkins also pointed to recent evidence that the Catholic church’s much-maligned stance on condoms may actually be justified. A research paper by Prof Menteur of the University of Sedna has suggested that condoms could actually be causing, rather than preventing, the spread of AIDS. His research shows that a chemical compound contained within the condom material, known as polyeurotheniate, actually induces AIDS in humans who come into direct contact with this substance. As such, Professor Menteur’s advice is: ” If you want to avoid contracting AIDS, you must avoid using condoms.”

Despite this sensible message, Professor Menteur’s work has come in for criticism. Critics of Professor Menteur say his work doesn’t explain the high prevalence of AIDS in male homosexual communities, where condom usage is significantly lower than among hetrosexuals. However, Professor Menteur explains: “We carried out parametric statistical tests, including analysis of variance tests, and concluded that if it wasn’t condoms causing the high rate of AIDS amongst homosexual men, it must simply be because God hates gays.”

In a candid explanation of his decision to join the Catholic faith, Dawkins said: “As a scientist, at times I felt like I was just guessing at numbers and figures and pulling puzzles apart.” He also went on to say: “Questions of science and progress just don’t speak as loud as my heart.” And, speaking about his work as a scientist, Dawkins admitted: “Sometimes I felt like I was just running in circles and chasing tails, now I feel like I can go back to the start.”

Of course, Dawkins is the first to admit that making the transition from arch-atheist to meek and mild member of the Catholic flock won’t be an easy one: “Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be so hard. To be honest, I just feel like I’m going back to the start.”  Finally, in a macabre end to Professor Dawkins’ exclusive interview with  I Science, he added: “Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh;  Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh.”

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